TAMPinkus's Xanga

Do something terrifying every single day.

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 04:20:32 GMT

Well, maybe not every day. But, at least sometimes.

I'm sitting at a cafe near me right now, sipping on some hot chocolate. I came here with the intention of reading some of the book that my friend Deborah gave me, but just can't concentrate on it.

On my way here, as i was walking up 15th st, I saw coming towards me what looked like a rather cute girl. It being dark, it was a little bit difficult to see her face until she was right next to me, passing me. As I looked at her, she gave me a bit of a half smile, in acknowledgment, of, well, something. "Yup, she's cute" I think to myself.

I have to tell you, its maddening to see an attractive girl on the street and feel like there's nothing you can do about it. I for one, am getting sick of it. She passed me by, and I literally stood there, frozen for a minute. I stared at her back, and could see the outline of her blond hair silhouetted by the street lamps of Dolores St. as she walked away. I turned around and looked back towards my destination. The coffee shop on Church St. "This is that moment" I thought to myself. "That moment where I feel helpless, and don't know what to do, and she walks away, and I walk away towards my destination, and try to forget about her, about the frustration." By now, she is a full block away and soon, she's going to disappear. Maybe for forever.

But this is not that moment. "Fuck you, you fucking pussy. GO DO SOMETHING." So, i take off after her, running, back towards my house, backpack clanging on my back, across the street, down the block, and around the corner, to find her 10 feet away, keys in hand, ready to enter her apartment. Its dark, we're the only one's on the block. She doesn't see me, and I know that if I approach her too quickly, too closely, she'll freak out. Keeping a bit of distance between us, and angling my body slightly away so as to not appear confrontational I say "Excuse me! I know this is totally random, but you are the cutest girl I've seen all day, and as you passed me, I knew that I would be kicking myself if I didn't say something to you."

At first she's a bit taken aback, but then she gives me this wide, warm smile, and tells me that that is one of the sweetest things she's ever heard. I introduce myself, and mention how i live just around the corner from her.

I'd like to say that I got her number and that I'm going on a date with her. But, I didn't. I wished her goodnight, smiled at her, and turned and left. Could I have pushed it further? Yes. I can even say that I know how now. But in the moment, I was scared, and everything flooded out of my brain. But as I turned away from her, as she stood there, I locked eyes with her, and I knew, with her still smiling, that I was cutting things short. Perhaps I left her wondering "who is this guy? Does he do this often?"

One thing at a time. Make girls smile one at a time. Its all points.

Your weakness is your strength. Find your emotional well.

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 01:27:31 GMT

Where do we get the strength to do the things that we do? What drives us as a species? There is survival, of course. When cornered, whether physically by an assailant, or less dramatically by starvation, our insticts will push us to do whatever it takes. But what if things are ok? What if we have a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, clothes on our backs? What if we have more than that? Friends, money, a great place to live? Survival no longer exists as our primary motivating force. What then do we use to push ourselves, hard, towards the future that we want? Towards improvement in the face of immense hurtles? In the face of tremendous fear?

There is a depth inside of us, a well of power. It may be a dark well of fear, or anger, or even hatred, or if you are lucky, one of immense compassion and love. We all feel it sometimes. Something that touches us, brings us to tears. We may not even know why. Incredible beauty, a spark of memory, the words to a song that lifts us up, or burns in our hearts. To tap into this source is to feel a rush of energy with which you can do whatever you wish. You can bottle it up inside and store it, you can try to ignore it, let it flow out of you, channel it towards determination, for action, for change.

For a while now, I've used it to work out. It can get me out of bed at 6:30 in the morning when otherwise I'd sleep until 8. If I'm on the treadmill, and I feel my strength fading, that power exists inside of me to provide for that last push. For me it is my anger, my frustration, my memories that can be refocused.

Recently, I learned of another potential use for this - communicating. I spent many years trying not to emotionally expose myself to other people. I was always afraid that the anger I felt would drive others away because no one likes an angry person. But what I never understood was that emotion is just a form of energy, and that there is a difference between feeling anger or sadness as your emotional power, and being angry or sad yourself. Amazingly, the feelings of my past have forced me to involuntarily flex my emotional muscles. I've come to beleive that the opposing force to the negative feelings that I've always dwelled on is an equally strong ability to feel what most would consider positive emotions.

So, of late, I've been thinking about how this can be conveyed, silently, to others. You always hear that the eyes are the windows to the soul or some such nonsense. I always took for granted that this was just true, but that it was useless to me. Amazingly, it seems that you really can "think" at someone through your eyes, provided you have eye contact with them. What physically happens there may be limited - the only thing your eyes can really do is look in different directions, expand and contract your pupils, tear up, and blink. Perhaps there is some huge range of other subtle cues that we can detect, the wrinkling of a forehead, the stress in someone's shoulders, the relaxed hang of a jawbone. But it seems that its the eyes that anchor us to all these things. A stream of invisible energy shooting out, with a message inside, meant only for us, as we lock eyes with that person, in that moment.

So then, what does "well up" as in "strong emotions welled up" really mean? How do we find it and access it?

My question to you would be: What makes you cry?

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:55:35 GMT

Its been a while since I've really written anything.

I've had a lot on my mind. I'm going to try and share some of it piece by piece.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 04:09:01 GMT

I learned two things this weekend:

1. There are people at the gym at 7AM on Sunday. Nut cases. All of em.

2. Breaking up with someone you love is at least as hard as getting dumped yourself.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 23:14:16 GMT

Yeah, its been a heck of a long time. I guess I just haven't felt like writing anything lately or giving life updates.

So, its been occurring to me lately that I simply can't just do what I'm told. Its like a dysfunction of some kind that I've always had. Like, if it doesn't make sense to me, I can't bring myself to do it. I honestly don't know how everyone else seems to function. It doesn't seem to matter, whether is my boss, or society, or teachers in school, or parents, or whatever - I just can't do it! Like, almost physically, like I can't lift a 500 pound dumbbell. My brain just totally shuts down in rejection and I have to beat myself over the head to get things done sometimes. And its not that I'm trying to be a rebel, or be different, or thing differently, or think I'm superior or something. What's up with that? I just want to be a good office drone/worker bee/member of society.

Grrr.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 17:06:54 GMT

"Make a list. Make it a long one. Don't try to figure out what you are better at than everyone else. Simply list what you are good at, and the things you do that other people can use. Then let yourself dream of ways that you can enjoy rewards for doing those things.

Work is really a simpler concept than you are taught. It's not supposed to be a form of control. It's all about you having something of value that others want. It's barter. If I have food, but no water, and you have water, but no food, we can offer each other value.

What is your food? What is your water?

Find that, and you find yourself."

- Sean Messenger

Friday, September 14, 2007

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 17:37:59 GMT

I think I have problems with authority. I just can't do what I'm told. Its like, it hurts. Taking orders from anyone makes me feel pain.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 22:20:11 GMT

This guy rocks: http://www.skwigg.com/id13.html

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 21:41:00 GMT

First of all, it is soooo amazingly beautiful out today. 75 and sunny. Went out to one of the piers at embarcadero during lunch time. Just stared at the bridge and the fog rolling across Angel Island in the distance. Just amazing.

Funny thought - I solve a lot of problems every day. Sometimes people come to me with issues that I know I can't help them with. But it just occurred to me that every time someone has a problem, and I say to myself "ok, I can fix that," then I pretty much always do. Even if I don't know the solution or even understand the problem when they ask. It doesn't matter. If I decide I can probably fix it, I fix it. So as a result, just about every problem I go to solve, I just solve. I would say maybe a couple times a year do I come back in frustration having no idea what to do. There's just never any doubt. I never think about failure, or what if scenarios, or about what I might not be able to do.

Now, this is not to toot my own horn so to speak. This is just to say that that feeling of complete confidence is something I've always wished I had in many areas of my life, but that I never realized I had in at least one.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 10:28:11 GMT

Mmm, feel asleep instantly at around 10:30PM. And at 3, I just ... woke up. Nope, not rested. Just up. (Sigh)